Suffocating

Hey Readers...
It's creepy moody post with eanaa!!!
(with that annoying game show tone)

Basically eah,
Stop reading if you don't want to get depressed.

Have you ever felt boxed in or imprisoned.
That's how I felt like most of my life.
I am thus reminded once again why I hated home.
It's suffocating here.

I'm not talking about child abuse or family feuds,
there's none.
It's just that moment,
where life turns dull,
Your chores bores you but when you're done,
here you are,
staring at the computer screen...
Reading manga(varies depends on persons)

I hate it and it's suffocating me.
I'm being left with my thoughts running wild.
Too wild.
Too lonely.
Save me..

My mum hated the fact that I daydream,
back when I was in high school.
Daydreaming was my way out.
Daydreaming is how I breathe.
I can't breathe in this house.

I thought home was your safe place,
but right now, like always,
home is a prison.

Still, when I'm away all I think about is home,
now that I'm home, I can't breathe.
HUMANS..
We're all idiotic humans.
We want everything but in the end,
we gain nothing.

I pretty much not contacting anyone.
More like I feel like I have no one to contact.
The only person I have in mind is Sophie,
but I'm scared of her.
So I kept running away from her but ended up back to her.

I'm just a lonely brat,
looking for something more,
to this life than just this,
dull grey life I'm living.

But I guess,
in the end,
I'm lost...
or maybe ...
suffocating in this prison.

The End

Nightmares

Living became a nightmare,
Living became scary thing to do,
All I want is a way to escape this nightmare,
even for a little bit.

Let me live inside my dream,
My safe place,
They may give me hollow hug,
They may give me my own advice,
but they can never hurt me.

I have a favourite place,
In my dream,
where I would talk to one of them,
But somehow,
I rarely see it any more.

I'm too scared.
Nightmare is everywhere.

Is anyone out there?
Can anyone save me?
Please, please...
save me...

I'm not Fine!

Have you guys ever felt like takin everything head on until you can't take it anymore?

My feels like it is squeezed so hard. 

Torn and shred apart. 

My chest hurt. 

I want to quit studying. 

I never wanted to continue this. 

But because of my mum, I proceed with everything. 

I am not sure if I truly have friends here. 

Most of the time I feel so alone. 

No one bother to ask. 

No one bother to look close enough to see Im barely holding on. 

Trying to hold my pieces together. 

Stop calling me strong. 

Let me be weak. 

Let me cry and wail. 

Let me let it all out. 

If you are willing to listen. 

I want to quit masscomm

I want to quit sepresi. 

ENOUGH WITH THIS FAKE MASK!

Standing Alone

Hey Readers,

You gonna hate me for making this post. 

Once again, I am utterly depressed. 

Its 12am and I really want to call my mother. 

To tell her I want to quit studying. 

To tell her I cant handle this. 

To tell her I never wanted to study. 

To tell her I hate interacting with human involving emotions 

I am suit for this course only because I would do what my job needs me to. 

I socialize when needed. 

I hate others. I hate humans. 

I once said 'I would like to write a letter to those I care and just disappear'

There was only one person in my mind. 

It was my mum. 

I want to let her know. To tell her not to worry. I'll be fine, I just need sometime alone. 

I wont write to my friends. 

I cant really cry to anyone. 

Searching my phone for a number. 

The effort all went in vain. 

I called my high school friend but she's so far. 

She can't help me.

I cried to Allah but He's not replying me. 

Oh Allah, I am just a mere slave. 

You create me with a feeling that I need someone's warmth. 

But none are giving it to me. 

I know, tawakkal. Allah is there for you. 

But Allah wont give me the warmth I need. 

The pat in my head telling me I've done good. 

He would be watchig as I try to get through this. 

Am I able to?

I am standing alone with Allah as my watcher, protector and guider. 

There are times when I feel that Allah is the only one that loves me and cares for me. 

Where is my other half?

Where is my saviour?

Where is my salvation?

I do not even love myself...

I can handle the stress. 

But I cannot handle it when someone makes it seems as if I am not doing anything. 

As if I am at fault. 

Yes, I admit, I delay in doing everythig. 

But because I do not handle stress well. 

This is the moments I need my mother most. 

But I do not want to disturb her. 

Its late. And ...

Breaking Down.

I...
I haven't been feeling all right.
I feel so shunned away.
Pushed, thrown.

A feeling I haven't felt in a while.

I don't know why.
Maybe because of the insecurity I have about myself,
my life, my appearance and my faith.

I'm weak.
I made peace with it.
Still, it doesn't make me feel any better.
I am scared.

The world is vast thing.
Life is an endless journey.
Even when you die, there is more to go.

I am afraid of being alone.
but we humans,
we die alone,
we face the One alone.

I...
just needed to let a little bit of my thoughts out before I really break.

Sorry for the gloomy post.

I miss home.

Sharing Some Stuff ~

Good Day ~
Readers and Walkers ...


I once read on Facebook,
a friend of mine wrote in Chinese,


"If you can not be a pencil to write people's happiness,
Then be an eraser and erase their sorrows"


Something like that.


There is also a request for Disney that has been spreading on the net.
"Disney should make make a Princess with no hair
so that every little girl who's fighting cancer
can feel beautiful,"


I like it...


There are many words.
but words stays word when no one did anything.
Honest to say,
I have no confident in myself.


How I survived?
I am curious myself.
I wonder if I am just a ticking bomb.


Can I keep going on with my life like this?
Reading praises in my blog made me happy.
but I am just sharing my mind.


I can't speak out loud my mind,
so I write them out loud.
I am just like all of you,
Trying to survive what is called "LIFE".


In Youtube,
lots of people sharing their feelings
using monologue.
You should know what I mean...
but me? Shall I make one?
maybe.. one day.


I have a dark time growing up.
No one knows how I feel,
I never told anyone.
Now, I am trying to call out to you...


I don't want to go and live my life so emptily.
I don't want this dark side of me take over.
I want someone.
I want to meet someone,
that would come to me and says,


"Girl, you're gonna be alright.
You're gonna be fine...
You are stronger than you know,
Keep on living your life,
I know you can do it,"


If it is a guy,
Surely he would be the love of my life.
If it is a girl,
I would look up to her.


Can I not hear something like that?
Am I not worth it?
It scares me thinking like that...
I just want someone to reach out to me,
and say those words...


and I don't want to hear about God and stuff.
I know God is real,
I know life is the challenged God gave us.
I just want someone...
That I could hear and touch ..
Someone that I could see...


God made me live on but
Can't I just ask for someone?
Just someone to keep me believe in the reasons for living?!


This is me...
and I kept saying this over and over...
I am just a human,
I got needs and feelings.
I can live on with my faith in God..
but I cannot help myself to run away from everyone...


Sorry, but hey,
thanks for reading till the end.
This post is just some girl that still looking for herself...

Don't wanna be PERFECT.

Hello,

Ever felt unwanted?

Unnoticed? Unloved? Etc?

Guess what,

We all have that moment sometimes.

This is my moments,

I used to be told I look like an old aunt.

I used to be told that I am bossy,

Used to be "USED" by others,

Told I am annoying.

My friends were all fake.

Felt like I am nothing.

Felt like I was unloved by my family.

Now?

Yeah, I agree with all of it.

I am what you see as I am.

And do you know what?

I won't be trying to make myself something else.

I am who I am.

Why should I change to your WANT.

I will change to what I WANT.

I know I have the looks.

I don't have to wear half-naked cloth to get boys to like me.

I know I am better than what you say,

I don't have to please EVERY FREAKING one of YOU !

I am loved and If not by someone,

It shall be by God.

I do want to make myself look better.

I do want to make myself better.

but sometimes,
It is your turn to like me the way I am.

Cause I would do the same.

Nobody PERFECT.

I am not trying to be PERFECT.

You CAN'T be PERFECT.

cause your imperfection is already PERFECT.

Be you. . . Let yourself be free.

and I am holding on to me.

No more JUDGEMENT, No more INSULTS.

You are you.

No one and I mean NO ONE can change that fact.

Love yourself :)

Confession mode.

Hey Readers.

I like him but he never likes me back.

I remember those days where everything is rose colored.

Knowing him was the best thing.

That feeling like butterflies in you stomach.

That happiness only he could create.

I want that feeling again.

He was my first love.

A pure love.

Though it was unrequited,

It was enough for me.

I remember seeing his face made me blush.

Made me extremely happy.

When I could not see him,

I would feel down.

Stole from Facebook Long time ago. Sorryy !!

Sad and unhappy.

My world revolve around him that time.

Even my friend knows he could cheer me up.

He is the only one that made me feel like that.

Now, it has fade.

Still, I lingers around him.

I want that feeling again.

I want that again but alas...

It can never come true.

I hope...

One day, I will find someone,

that will make me feel the same way you did.

Though you did nothing,

I am grateful that I met you.

Thank you, Syart ~ 

A New Me

Hello,
I remembered a cousin of mine asks me,
Why don't I wear Hijjab?
It is an Arab word for a cover that Muslim women uses.
Search in Wiki, For-Crying-Out-Loud...


My mother side of family has a strong hold of their believes in Islam.
But me,
I am not so much.


That is why,
It is already a new year for Muslims.
And I have a new determination.
Will write in another post.


May I be guided to a better life as a Muslim.


P/s : Looking for someone that has a good knowledge about Islam to answers lots of question.
And If You are reading this, Cousin... I hope its you :P [so I don't have to look so far away].

This is a Hijjab ...

That is all from me, 

eanaa is signing out from this post 

The End

Losing Faith

Have you ever stare back to the past.
Thinking that you once knew,
where you were going?
Thinking that "This is it"...


I tried to live my life.
I tried to be strong,
but in the end...
I too, need to yell it out.


I want someone,
to reach out.
Telling me,
"You're gonna be fine".
Are those word hard to say?
Am I unworthy of those words?


I have started losing faith,
faith in myself,
which make me go on,
which make me be strong,
now?


I'm scared.
I'm worried.
I'm tired.


.........................

I know... I know...

I'm tired of living...
I'm tired of everything...
I know what's right what's wrong..
but everything seems to be falling apart..
I had breakdown.
I'm tired...


I know ...
live is full of obstacle but please !!
can't I have one person say it to my face !
that I'm gonna be fine.
I'll survive.
I can live through this and I shouldn't worry..


Those are the words that I truly wants.
but not once,
anyone told me something similar.


They kept telling to be brave,
they kept telling is because God loves me.
The kept telling me this,
but I ALREADY know that !
I already know that...
I just don't know ...
will I be ok?

The Battle of Eanaa.

Hey guys,


so she said I like him.
I can't believe that.
I don't actually know what to believe in.
Maybe I do?
but I don't really feel anything for him.
Maybe I don't?
Could be just an illusion.
I don't know.


I have taken a liking to him since ...
that day.
after that I like and like.
the stopped thinking about him.
but then he led me on again.
I don't know what now.
Is this alright.
I'm going crazy.
I wanna hate him.
but it's feels so wrong.
I wanna fall again.
but not with him...


What is this?
What should I do.
This is so problematic.
Maybe it's true I don't.
but she says I do.
but she is not me.
so I say I don't.
Why do I feel like I'm lying to myself?
Am I lying to myself?
What is wrong with me.


More importantly...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM?

Loneliness

Hey Guys,


The quietness scares people.
Humans have been thought,
to live their lives,
with a partner.


Each and everyone,
even if they say no,
they are afraid of being alone.
Solitary moments are different.
Loneliness is more...
Everyone is too afraid,
too afraid to face their lives,
alone and with no help.


Life without companion,
is it hard?
Maybe yes.


A world without anything,
would it be lonely?
For many thousand years ago,
Human wasn't belong here,
now?


Loneliness is one word,
humans are afraid to face.
Maybe there is more to this...

Me Vs Me

 guys,
So you all know me,
through the way I write the story,
and all the stories about my life here.
but still,
here,
I want to share my 'weakness',
why I put in apostrophe because,
this is what I have been told.


I am the type who thinks highly of herself,
I like to boss around ,
I think I'm smarter than other people ,
I'm annoying ,
I'm a show off .
I'm too emotional ?
I'm rude .
I'm not considerate .
And I don't know what else they think of me.


Hearing all those things,
it hurts ...
I don't want to tell who told me that.
but some of it came from someone,
who opened up my eyes last year.
We fought and she say mean stuff about me ,
but what open my eyes is,
she said my friends don't even like me.


It hurt so much,
I cried and cried that day alone .
I came back to school,
and found Sharon,
We went to eat,
after talking to her,
it made me feel better .


Still,
I feel like I'm a horrible person.
Even my friends don't like me,
they have been talking behind my back.
The reason why me and her fought,
because my friends ask her,
to pretend to like the guy I was liking that time,
and I even found out I don't even like him.


Am I a horrible person?
Guess I am...
I started to avoid them.
I stopped gossiping,
I even became a loner in my class ,
I don't care anymore.
That's why every morning,
I go see Sharon in 4E8.


She doesn't mind being with me ,
I can tell her the truth,
even if it sound really mean.
Like she's "gedik" and stuff.
I can really be myself.
I don't have to insult people when I'm with her,
Then I got close to Karen.
After that Cecilia,
I guess,
back then,
I was afraid I won't find any friends.
but now,
I'm just glad I'm not with them anymore.
I kept insulting people because I was close to them.
Now I felt free.


But still,
I don't know whether I've changed or not.
I'm really sorry if I ever made annoyed or etc...
I'm sorry...
Really am sorry...
[Seriously crying when writing this post so I'm gonna put smiley face here ]


Bye guys and thanks for reading.
I hope I've changed to the better.
Insya-Allah.

^o^ To Feel It ^o^

For me to feel this
made me as week as I could.
You who hold my heart
could never feel it.
As it shattered to the point
it shall become a dust.


Why ..
Why do I still ...
want to feel it again.
I want it from you again.


I want to have that stupid smile.
To be the happiest person
just to look at you.
As if you are mine.


I have no confident
To hold you as mine.
I can never say you are mine.
Once you became mine,
my heart shall never want to let
you ever leave.


I tried to imagine..
You are mine but
I also imagined what is it like
when you walk away ..
My heart throb as if 
I shall never again have tomorrow.


I'm scared of my love to you.
Scared you'll love me 
because if you do ..
I will still have no confident in myself.


... it hurts ...

Just Thinking . . .

I couldn't seem to find the right word ..
but I like you but not so much .
I just wanna be friends .

And you,
what are you trying to do to me ?
confuse me to death ?

A heartache .

.

You know it's love when the pain is bitter yet sweet.
I never knew such feeling existed until you appear.
I fell for you at the first sight.
You kept me going on with this bitter sweet pain.

You and Your Ego

Sometimes it hurts so much,
I wished it'll go away , far away.
I have my wish.
It's gone and I miss that feeling.
You are my first love now and ever.
It had been said that girls shant never forget their first love.
So I knew it's true and I felt like I wanna fall for you again.
But I'm afraid your ego is in the way.


I know I'm the type that goes with the flow.
And I can tell your the type to play hard to get.
So we're pretty much perfect for this game.
But I'm the girl here.
I can't be the one who's chasing
I want to be felt like I'm being chased.
I want to be chased instead of chasing.
Just once, won't you ever try chasing me instead of looking at me like an idiot ?


All of this giving me a heartache.
It's been like this since forever.

Heartache

I don't think I have feelings for you but still
I am going with your flow.
Next year you'll be gone.
I'll be here for only 2 more years and I'll say bye bye.
It hurts so much but yet I want more.
Can you at least tell me you feel the same way as I do? 
because I don't have the intention to be with you.
I don't like dating guys that I like.


Please,
Just this once.
I wanna hear you.
Hear you say those 3 words.
3 cute little words.
'I like you'.

=-= Trouble is You =-=

Just one day ..
Only one , you did something to me
but just that one day ..
effect me for a week !!

Oh please !!
What do you want ?!
You've always ignored my existence.
What?
During school holiday you miss me ?
See lot's of girls that you thought was me?

During the time I'm taking my PMR result..
You were waiting for me??
Is that it?
That's why you talk to your friend who in the other class booth?
Or you were bored since you didn't get assigned at any booth?

All because you miss me during holiday?
I don't know if it's true but still !
Two whole years I liked you.
But NO !
You ignore my existence.

Now WHAT?
You want me to give you an attention like I used to?
 Enough is enough...
You think it wasn't a big deal ..
But to me it is ..

Please .. My trouble is you .
 Stop it ..
I beg you ..

- Grudges -

Eah .. Grudges . 
I have been thinking a lot. 
I have told my self not to hold grudges.
Yet, I kept replaying the same story again in my head.

There's this girl.
Whom I thought was a good friend.
Until she played with my heart by asking another girl to pretend.
Pretend to like the guy that I have crush on.
Why? I do not know why.
But still, I am not angry.
Maybe a little.


I think that maybe I should talk to her.
But she is so sensitive.
Someone talks bad a little about her.
She already gonna started to hold grudge on that person.


Although she prays 5 times a day.
She seems not to know what is right and what is wrong.
But me, who prays when I have the 'mood' to. [ notty girl]
I still know what I should and should not be doing.
Hanging around that girl and her friends would turn me into a hypocrite.


All of them talked bad about each other behind each others back.
Stupid aren't they ?


Well , At least I am no longer one of them
Maybe I should be true to myself and forgive her no matter what.
Allah will guide my way.
They shall not ruin my future with a stupid grudge.


xXThis is MeXx

xX Hypocrite Xx

She talk like she is better than all of us.

She always says insult but she also told people when they insult her to "cermin diri sebelum hina"

EXCUSE ME !

you told people to do THAT ! 

BUT YOU ! YOURSELF DID NOT DO IT !

That was like , so freaking lame !

In front of me she always acted like she like me but still !

She always insult me.

What ?! You think you are all that ??

Hey, I can insult you and also spread rumors about you.

BUT I am too nice for my own good !!

Also my dear, nobody , I mean NOBODY even LIKES you !